Void

        The sound of scratching woke me up before the morning bell could. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, bracing myself for whatever was causing the irritating sound. Maybe if I just ignored it, it would go away. Maybe if I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath and stayed perfectly still –

         Naturally, none of that helped. It never did. The sound only grew louder, begging for my attention. I gave up and decided to surrender to my curiosity. Slowly sitting up, I fixed my eyes on the white wall across my bed. Hundreds of caterpillars were creeping feverishly; the one right behind the other, creating circular shapes with their tiny legs, perfectly synchronized. They were merging with the wall, following the faint pattern of damp and chipped paint, and it felt like they were coming closer and closer... or maybe it was that they were getting bigger and bigger. My body shuddered violently, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the disgusting insects, afraid that if I did, they would find their way on my skin. The hair on my arms rose and my skull went numb. I didn’t want to know what that would feel like, refused to imagine how soft and slimy their touch would be...

         I didn’t get the chance to find out. The piercing sound of the morning bell made the insects scatter and hide in the cracks of the wall. When the last one was gone, I was able to breathe freely again and I inhaled the air greedily, not knowing how long I had till they came back for me. For once, I was grateful for the little distraction and more than happy to get out of that room.

       The cafeteria was by far the most depressing place in the whole building. There was barely any light coming through the tiny windows and the music, a sad playlist of old jazz and classical piano, made me want to kick the timeworn furniture back to the century they belonged. I grabbed the bowl of flavourless porridge assigned to me and started eating, hoping that the tune wouldn’t be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

        ‘Nina! Come get your medication!’ Nurse Gina chirped.

        The temptation to keep eating my porridge and ignore her was very difficult to resist. I knew better than to do that though, so I dragged my feet to her office. Stepping through the door felt like entering a different dimension from the rest of the clinic; the walls were lime green and lavender instead of the plain grey ones of the hallway. Nurse Gina was sitting behind a polished desk, full of small ornaments and tiny plastic cups.  One of the cups was singled out, waiting in the corner for me. She gestured towards it and I took it in my hand. Her eyes looked at me intently, waiting to see what I’d do next. Not feeling like causing a commotion today, I swallowed my pills obediently, but that still wasn’t enough for Nurse Gina to stop watching me. I didn’t blame her; there was a time that three nurses needed to pin me down for me to take those pills.

         ‘How was last night?’ Her smile was too wide.

         ‘Fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, I guess.’

          ‘You sure? You know you can tell me if anything’s bothering you, right?’

          One of her usual techniques was to pretend we are best friends. Stupid old cow... Did she think I’d tell her all about my ‘troubled’ nights and we’d brush each other’s hair?

         ‘Nope, everything’s great.’ I managed a smile and waited for her nod before turning to leave the office.

           I caught a glimpse of another girl coming in. She had dark circles under her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept in days, and her full lips were pale and dry. She didn’t look up, but kept walking like I wasn’t there. Remembering faces was not my strong suit, especially with all the pills which made my memory foggy, but I was pretty sure I hadn’t seen her here before. Was she new? Fresh blood being admitted was a big deal here, how did miss it? Was my brain that damaged? I needed some fresh air and made my way to the pathetic excuse of a garden we have. For some unknown reason, the girl’s indifference made me feel flushed to the point of welcoming the sharp wind around me and while I was smoking the third cigarette, I spotted the same shaved head behind the glass of the living room’s window. This time she lifted her eyes, finding mine instantly. There was a dark spot on her bottom lip and I knew there was something off about her. When I realised that she was biting her lips and that the spot was actually blood, I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and walked off as fast as I could.

         The best thing about this place was that it was in the middle of nowhere, so there were no fumes or grey clouds in the sky. I would sit for hours just gazing at the changing colours. From light blue to pink, orange, purple, dark blue and finally black. I was never bored of watching the sky; it was full of surprises; always transforming and shifting as it wanted, without asking for permission. I was sitting on the windowsill of my room when I heard rushed steps and a thud coming from the hallway. I tiptoed to the door, curious as to who was making such a fuss so late. Plain stillness. Feeling the cool tiles beneath my feet, I crept out of my room and scanned the hallway – it was empty. No nurses or patients came out to inspect, no one seemed to care, which was very strange. The soundproofing in this building was awful, another way for them to spy on us, to make sure we didn’t break any rules. Suddenly, a clatter came from above and, as quietly as I could, I made my way up the stairs till I reached the rooftop. The door was heavy and I had to push it with my shoulder to get it to open. Carefully stepping on the wet concrete, I wrapped my arms around my body and looked around. Someone was lying on the floor on the other side of the rooftop. I couldn’t see who it was, so I tried to get closer, ignoring my aching feet. It was the shaved-headed girl I saw earlier. The only thing she was wearing was her nightdress, even though winter was just around the corner, but she didn’t seem to be cold.

         ‘You finally came.’ Her voice was cheerful. ‘I was getting bored here, all alone in the dark.’

        She got up on her feet and lifted her arms like she was trying to reach the sky. Her hands touched her bare head, rubbing it in small circles.. Rubbing turned into scraping. The drizzling turned into rain, making my hair stick on my face. Thick drops of water sparkled on her skin. She stopped and looked at her hand.

         ‘What do you think?’ She extended her arm so that I could see her bloody fingernails.

        ‘I don’t understand.’ I stammered. ‘Why were you waiting for me? I’ve never even talked to you before.’

         Her behaviour puzzled me, how comfortable she was with a complete stranger. The next second, she was standing in front of me. I almost gasped, how could she move so swiftly?

         ‘You don’t have to understand. Just embrace it.’

      Fingers touching my cheek softly. Dirty fingers, covered in blood. I pulled away. She burst out laughing.

       ‘Enjoy this moment! Come on, no one’s here to stop you.’

      She started moving her body: arms and head first, then her legs and hips followed along. If there was any music playing, someone could say that she was dancing. As she moved, she hugged her body, but when the thin blood streams were visible on her pale skin, I realised she was scratching her entire body. Blood and rain water intermingled, creating the most absurd patterns. It was almost beautiful.

       ‘What do you want from me?’ I asked and brushed her wrist with my hand.

        She paused her peculiar dance and dropped her arms. Her big eyes looked deep into my own.

       ‘I need you to see. You have to see, to remember. You have to remember. They want you to forget, but you must resist it.’ She closed her eyes, like she was the most tired person in the world. ‘Will you open your eyes and see?’

        ‘See what?’ I breathed.

        Her answer was to grab my hand and run to the edge of the rooftop. I struggled to keep my balance on the slippery ground, but she kept me stable and safe. She climbed the small step where the concrete got thicker and higher. My heart started beating faster when I finally grasped what was happening. I tried to object, but no words would come out of my mouth. The only thing I could do was squeeze her hand, a pathetic attempt to stop her, to bring her back to safety. Her calmness only increased my panic. In a place full of nutters, I got accustomed to mania, apathy, aggression and all kinds of idiosyncratic behaviour. But this was different, this terrified me.

       My hand was also covered with tiny spots of blood now, but that didn’t stop her from leaning down and kissing my knuckles. She gave me a reassuring smile. Her determination was clear, her pain understandable. Logic screamed in my ear and commanded me to stop her. I knew I couldn’t. No power known in this world could. Who was I to dictate how someone deals with their pain? I wasn’t a leech that feeds on control and rules, like them. And I wouldn’t become one now.

       No last words came out of her mouth. It was quick, quiet. One moment she was standing next to me, the next she was gone. I could still feel her hand holding mine and I stood at the edge of the rooftop gazing at her disfigured body. The rain eventually stopped, but my body kept shivering. Not even the beautiful sunrise could make me snap out of my trance. My mind kept wandering off, in total control of me. What if I looked away and found myself in her place?

       They found me eventually. Someone kicked the door open behind me and steps filled the rooftop. Fucking animals; couldn’t they see I didn’t want them there? They were intruding and ruining the only moment she and I had shared. No matter how much I resisted, kicked, bit, screamed, they wouldn’t let go. The last thing I remember was the familiar sting of the syringe and then blackness. Being drugged into unconsciousness is quite different from sleeping or passing out on one’s own natural accord. There is an artificial numbness, like every sense and every thought is snatched from you till your existence turns into a meaningless black hole that you don’t recognise anymore. And when you wake up and everything floods in your exhausted mind again, you almost long for the comfort of not knowing, not remembering. Being nothing.

     They carried me back to my room while I was unconscious. I’ve no idea how long I was out, probably a day or two if I had to guess. Nurse Gina was sitting on a chair by the bed, reading a book and sipping from a cup of coffee. Her glasses were slightly pulled down, revealing all the tiny wrinkles at the corner of her eyes. She looked tired and old. When she noticed me staring at her, she put her book down and took off her glasses.

        ‘Would you like some water?’ Nurse Gina offered.

         I nodded; my throat felt painfully hoarse, like I’d been screaming for hours and hours. She went to the tiny desk and filled a glass with water from a plain jar. I grabbed the glass and chugged the water to the last drop.

        ‘Now, are you ready to tell me what happened?’ She took a cloth out of her pocket and cleaned her spotless glasses, waiting patiently for my answer.

        I looked away, unsure about what to say. Wasn’t it obvious? What did she expect, that I’d be good to go on with my life after witnessing something like that? She was supposed to maintain order and balance in this place and, more importantly, keep us away from harm, both from the outside world and our own selves.

     ‘One of your patients jumped off the roof that night, I think you are the one who has some explaining to do, not me. I mean, how bad do you need to be at your job to let something like that happen?!’ I spat out and waited for the usual twitch Nurse Gina’s eyebrow did every time she got frustrated.

       ‘A patient did what? Nina, what are you talking about?’ There was a genuine look of confusion in her eyes. No twitch.

        ‘I’m talking about the girl who fucking killed herself under your watch. There’s no way you didn’t find the body.’

        ‘No body was found, because nobody jumped off the rooftop.’

The room seemed to expand ever so slightly.

       ‘Are – are you joking? Is this a prank or something? If it is, well, stop it right now, ‘cause I’m not laughing!’ I couldn’t breathe.

      ‘You were the only patient out of bed that night. The night guard found your door open and you were gone. We found you on the rooftop having an episode, quite a severe one might I add.’ She gently took the glass from my hands and put it on the floor. ‘You were scratching your own arms and you were so close to the edge, you could’ve slipped if we hadn’t found you in time. Do you have any recollection of that, Nina?’

       The room was spinning, walls, floor and ceiling expanding, like it was sucking the air out of me. I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the window glass behind Nurse Gina, but something was off. And then it hit me. The dark circles and those full, pale lips. They were smiling at me, but they weren’t mine. They belonged to the girl that had dived into the void.